How Kindness Eases Change
It’s early September, and school has started, or is about to start, or maybe it’s already started but had to stop for a Covid-reset. And in Boulder, Colorado my sister and her team wipe layers of ash from the Cameron Peak fire off tables between seatings at their restaurant even as they batten down the hatches for a pending snow storm. 2020, you beast.
The start of the school year is supposed to bring excitement and positive change, but most people I know view this year’s start with apprehension, and understandably so. Change is hard, but the change we’re living through is extraordinary - fires and snow! - even as each individual day feels so small and same-ish - Zoom school!
Warding off this pandemic and just maintaining some sense of normal seems impossibly dramatic; how we “do life” just to stay afloat and not get squashed by the brutality of it all is elusive at best. And what’s “normal” anymore, anyway? For me, “normal” never seems to last for long: once again, the Silver Fox got promoted and we are back in DC. Surprise.
We move a lot but I never seem to get any better at it. (Change is hard, she whines!). Small kindnesses make the whiplash and the uncertainty less, well, uncertain. Teaching helps too, as does my own singing. Here are some ways I’ve re-framed my take on our current state; I hope it helps you wipe off the ash and ward off the snow, and move through the next months with something akin to grace.
KINDNESS EASES CHANGE
Octavia Butler wrote these words in her rather prescient stories about her imaginary version of the 2020’s. It’s helpful right now to remember that a small kindness can ease the struggle that our real 2020 has brought.
Make Someone Happy Silver Fox has been so kind during this move; he’s given me space to grieve leaving NYC and he keeps me laughing. He blasts his beloved Latin music through the apartment and calls it “Saturday Afternoon in the Club” (on a Tuesday) as he salsas and merengues around our living room. I may be super-frustrated or on the verge of tears but when he sashays at me to Ricky and Pit Bull’s “Move to Miami” it’s over. He had to go to the office last week and left the house all dressed up in his power suit and silk tie, singing, I kid you not, “I Feel Pretty.” Ah, the power of music....
It’s the Little Things We Do… My mother’s neighbor posted on the building listserv that she had she had an overabundance of basil on her terrace; my mom was thrilled with the unexpected bounty. The columnist Margaret Renkl gathers input on friends’ small activities and writes of the resulting list that “It felt like nothing less than a blessing, in this hurt and hurtful time, to remember how creative human beings can be, how tender and how kind.” These little things that make up our days might enchant someone, even for a moment, whose days feel burdensome.
No One Is Alone Nurturing and bravery go hand in hand. Teaching and parenting are both acts of bravery in the best of times, which these are not. An extra “how’s it going” to those caring for and working with the K-12 set will go a long way. Sitting still with someone, be it a struggling student, your child, your lonely parent, or even the teacher who is working so hard to keep the virtual classroom as engaging as she can, is a kind of forward momentum; the empathy of presence - just being reachable might be enough. And in higher ed “reachable” goes a long way; the head of my program never misses an opportunity to ask how we are or want she can do for us. Her kindness of simply being present keeps us inspired.
THE BELOVED COMMUNITY
There’s "nothing like a pandemic to show people we don’t have it all together." #truth. I certainly don’t, and I know I’m not the only one, but maintaining a sense of community can ease that struggle. Representative John Lewis, may he rest in peace, spoke of “the beloved community.” In a nod to magical thinking, Lewis embodied what he imagined as a way to bring about the change we still, sadly, are striving for today, and encouraged us all to do the same. Learning right now - all online, hybrid, in-person-masked - doesn’t have to be perfect to be positive. We can do our part for the beloved community to enact positive change and we can do for one another right now in our day to day to combat the diminishment in that community feeling we all crave. Adapting and helping others adapt as well as they can is the order of the day.
Learning Hubs: Pods are great, but they’re not an option for everyone. Some cities, DC, Denver, San Francisco and New Orleans among them, are implementing learning hubs for students who don’t have the resources to learn remotely. These hubs are safe locations where students can be together, properly socially distanced, and do their classwork. They have access to WiFi, electronics, supportive adults, and, at least six feet apart and in masks, each other. These hubs can enact positive change well beyond this pandemic - bring one to your city.
Change The Focus, Flip The Script: Sometimes the singular focus on themselves gets to be too much for a student; the screen feels narrow. My nephew’s teacher knows this about him and she flips the script:when the assignment was to share something he loves with a family member he texted me and asked for help. We Zoomed with his baby cousin so he could read to her. She loved seeing him; her dad was also very appreciative of the break, and Dragons Love Tacos was a hit with everyone. My nephew turned to his next assignment refreshed and renewed.
Projects and Self-Direction: One of my professional students teamed up with her roommate this summer to work their way through musicals they don’t know and may never perform in for the sole purpose of listening and imagining together. Another student took on learning a whole role. She loved it so much that she’s decided to take the project back to college with her. Her plan is to get it produced as a student show and cast a fellow student in the role she learned so that she can take on the task of directing. Generously sharing knowledge with her community - a teacher in the making, perhaps.
A TEASPOON OF MOZART
Oliver Sacks is a huge influence for me. Sacks believed, and demonstrated, that the arts open our minds and change our perspective; an increase in creativity has a positive effect on our brains, even if we’re not pursuing them as a raison d’etre.
Singing As Self Care: Studies have shown singing boosts immunity, relieves stress and even improves our mental health. So while in-person singing is patently unsafe in a pandemic (and loud talking might be too!) doing it online in the safety of your own space has benefits even for the non-professional that can’t be ignored. Remember what Big Bird taught us - “don’t worry if it's not good enough for anyone else to hear! Just sing, sing a song!”
Art for Art’s Sake My son’s lovely girlfriend is a gifted singer, but she’s also gifted in the visual arts: photography, wood burning, painting, arranging, you name it. To balance the stress of retail work during a pandemic, she’s made their home into a jewel box of projects. She even painted us an original piece for the new place. Her generosity of spirit and the beautiful way she sees the world gives me hope. And her art gives her the sense of self she needs right now. Follow her! @spencitiv. Which brings me to….
You Don’t Need Permission In reflecting on his life’s work, Chadwick Boseman said “I’m an artist. Artists don’t need permission to work.” A light has gone out in the world with the loss of this great man. What he did with his time is astounding; I’m moved to ask myself what I can do with mine. He’s right - I don’t need permission, I just need to do it. In the busyness of unpacking, setting up my studio in our new home and getting the word out as well as preparing to return to American University, I forget that I’m allowed to make my art for no other reason than that it might be beautiful or affecting, that it’s something in me that wants to come out. I don’t want to waste my time. Stay tuned to this space for more...
Be kind to yourselves, beloved community. Be kind to one another. Wipe off the ash and the snow. And, dear reader, make some art.
“Dragons love tacos. They love chicken tacos, beef tacos, great big tacos, and teeny tiny tacos. So if you want to lure a bunch of dragons to your party, you should definitely serve tacos. Buckets and buckets of tacos. Unfortunately, where there are tacos, there is also salsa. And if a dragon accidentally eats spicy salsa . . . oh, boy. You're in red-hot trouble.” - Adam Rubin
