Why Gratitude Is My Word
Sometimes you need to hear it from the person who tells it like it is. My word for the year is gratitude, and here’s why:
Christmas was a riot this year. My brother got a fish. The Silver Fox and I gave everyone socks, and strangely we got them too. Not just any socks: his feature #CityDog Marlowe. And my Secret Santa gave me Frozen 2 socks. “12 Days of Frozen 2 Socks,” to be exact. I haven’t seen the movie, and I don’t really need socks; I’m pretty sure no one else in the family did, either. But my Secret Santa was my nephew Levi. (If you’re a first-time reader, you can learn more about young Levi here.) This was his first time taking part in the family Secret Santa tradition, he was really excited about it, and my sister said that when he saw the socks in the store he wouldn't consider anything else. So we all had a great laugh about it on Christmas morning.
After the holiday, Silver Fox and I drove down to south Georgia to visit our closest friends - Megan, my bestie since childhood and her husband and their sons - for New Year’s, as is our tradition. I’d been looking forward to taking the trip for a while; 2019 was bumpy and I needed the time. Meg and I finally had a quiet minute as I drove us to the store to grab supplies for one of our epic New Year’s feasts - delicious pasta (she lived in Italy for a bit and cooks like a native), bread, wine. Dear friends would be joining us. I yammered on about everything from regretting recent missteps to my anxiety for the coming year (it’s a big one for us, this Year of the Rat); I voiced the nagging doubts that have always plagued me like, well the plague.
Megan and I have been attached at the hip since we met at age 12. We took everything from 7th grade French to AP History together, we were in choir and drama club (natch), we planned the Great Limo Race Scavenger Hunt for prom (details another time). I never laugh so hard as when I’m with her - we finish one another’s sentences, we cook outrageous meals, sing all the show tunes. Seven Brides for Seven Brothers is her jam. We were bridesmaids at each other’s weddings, we’re godmothers to one another’s sons.
She knows about my mental battles. She’s very beautiful. And she sends me funny postcards like this:
Click to read. It’s worth it.
Best friends, now and forever.
Megan listened patiently to my “confession” (Catholics we are….) and she shared some of her bumps and worries; let’s just say they were not insignificant. She finished, and we were both quiet for a moment. Then I heard that intake of breath from her that I prayed meant deliverance from my blues by an ego boost or a “you’re doing great!” Nope. “Susan,” she said, in the way that only she can where the second syllable is pitched higher than the first, “We are so lucky. Sue-Bee (her other nickname for me, second syllable also high) we actually have so much to be grateful for. Think about it.”
I had nothing to say. Grateful? All I could think of were the socks.
And then I did some homework. Turns out, and maybe you know this, that there is an awful lot of research going on in the gratitude sphere.
There are hundreds of terrific TedTalks and videos on the subject, both science-based and more anecdotal; this one has over 2,000,000 views! And of course there’s Oprah. The evidence that the practice of gratitude can help with everything from stress and depression to chronic illness is mounting; it can actually rewire our brains! The practice of gratitude activates the ventral and dorsal medial pre-frontal cortex, areas involved in feeling reward, changing the way we see the world and ourselves. These good feelings lead to a release of dopamine, oxytocin and serotonin; all chemicals that make us feel good. And the more we feel these things, the more likely our brains are to look for the positive in life so it can keep feeling this way. In other words, gratitude begets gratitude.
Ok, I thought, I’m always outwardly “grateful.” I use that word in communiques and I always mean it - I am grateful for the guidance, the assistance, the clarity - when someone is generous with me, in fact I do feel grateful and I want them to know. Hold the door for me and I will say an honest thank you. Apparently feeling and then expressing thankfulness towards others adds up. Some researchers call it “social glue;” Cicero called it the “mother of all virtues.”
And the more I considered how to work on gratitude in my life, the more it popped up. Every blog I follow has mentioned it in recent weeks. It comes up in podcast episodes, in books, the New York Times; Pinterest practically explodes with pretty gratitude quotes, and #grateful is everywhere.
I started small, choosing three little things to be grateful for each day: Coffee! My dog! A text from a friend! Re-reading holiday cards! A good voice lesson! Coffee! Then I added reframing - seeing events or moments in a different light than you normally might beyond the basic good/bad labels: how might I learn from this moment, or how can I respond in a way that shows caring for myself and for others, rather than going down the spiral of sadness? This is proving trickier for me, but I’m working on it. It also applies to the bigger-picture stuff. For example I’m grateful to Greta Thunberg for speaking out so boldly on climate change - thank you! - but mortified that I’m part of getting us here. Apparently, that is part of the point - practicing gratitude breeds awareness which in turn breeds empathy which can lead to taking action not just because you should but because you want to help those who help you. Phew. And yes, it has felt good - I can attest my days are lighter and it’s becoming easier to see next steps.
But I haven’t been satisfied with myself and where I am in life; I haven’t looked inward for my gratitude. I am notoriously negative about my own story and my progress and my contribution, so the state of gratitude I’m working to cultivate sometimes feels elusive; I forget to look at my own life for a sense of well-being . And this was, I believe, Megan’s point. She had texted me her favorite Ralph Waldo Emerson quote during out New Year’s chat, and I’d forgotten about it till recently:
“ Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year. He is rich who owns the day, and no one owns the day who allows it to be invaded with fret and anxiety. Finish every day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities, no doubt crept in. Forget them as soon as you can, tomorrow is a new day: begin it well and serenely, with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the yesterdays. ”
Thank you, dear friend, for telling it like it is; we should all be so lucky to have someone who sticks by them through braces and eyebrows, babies and Brigadoon, sad endings and happy changes. And let’s be honest: there are rough moments when it’s hard to practice gratitude. But I wear socks every day in winter, and when I open the drawer and see Anna and Elsa smiling up at me I can’t help but laugh out loud.
So thank you, too, Levi, for reminding me that my life is like my sock drawer. Overflowing.
For your reference and enjoyment, things I’m finding helpful:
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Meditation is magic. Emily Fletcher’s “Stress Less, Accomplish More” was gifted to me by a dear friend and I swear it helps.
Podcast: “A Balancing Act” hosted by Analiese Leaming. I may be late to the party but this is one to rally around, actor friends. There are some eye-opening chats with folks in the biz, and they in turn share their inspiration, and you don’t have to be a performer to benefit from it.
“Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl. Perspective, people.
Doing things a little differently and thinking outside the box - details and new projects to come - stay tuned. I am.
Reach out if you feel down. You’re not alone.
Posted here “with too high a spirit to be encumbered with old nonsense” are some pics of recent events that made each one part of “the best day of the year.” They are small but epic-to-me moments that have me feeling very grateful: grateful for the people in them and and grateful for the ways they make me a better human. Some pics have links so you can click to learn more about the amazing folks featured. I said I probably wouldn’t post them all but I couldn’t help myself…
You made it to the end! Dear reader, I am grateful for you. Do you have a word or a re-framing? Please share. And here’s to the Year of the Rat.
